Yelling at God

Enclosed in a hellish hall where monsters percolate and bleed
Tiny am I, not sure I’m real; I live in a world of fairies and angels
Smoke blew in my face while long sticks leave blood on my legs
My mind travels to wonders I conceive from my jumbled dreams

Brown eyes tired while life drips like my heart’s blood reminding me
God holds me in His tender love, yet weak for I am terrified of my life
Southern rain soaks my nightie as the wheat whips around harshly
Bare feet sting as I throw bare scrawny arms daringly into the angry sky

Besieged with bitter wrath my spirit hovers over this field of plenty
Screaming against the wind at God to lift me with His Mighty Hand
I wait, I wait for nothing, screams meld with thunder and harsh gusts
Back again, with hope, I watch her kick the baby across the floor
Once again my silent spirit springs forth and lifts me out the door

Written by Joni Caggiano 02/27/20 – Dedicated to all ACOA Warriors

Love to all of you from my adult heart, Joni.

28 thoughts on “Yelling at God

    1. Thank you so much Haley I do appreciate your kind words so much. I am glad you picked up on the hope. I was blessed to have always cling to that. Love ya Joni

      1. You’re so very welcome, Joni! Yes, it really came through. I could sense the hope underlying everything else. But, it was definitely there. I’m glad you could hold on to hope. It can truly create miracles and blessings. Much love back! 💖

      2. Joni, I love both “Monsters exist” and “Yelling at God”. Like your boat I had a place in the forest where I escaped occasionally and lay in the Alaska summer sun. I also yelled at God as child. Many times! I have a question for you, Joni. i recently discovered that the father who raise me was not my biological father. I learned that he was not abusive as was the father who raise me. I thank God most days for the abuse I received. I mean I say “Thank you God for the abuse I received as a child”. This abuse was horrific and nearly killed me several times. Now I thank God that I was NOT raised by the gentle and loving father. It actually scares to think I could have been raised by the father who was not abusive to his children. Do you thank God for the abuse you received? Thank you, richard

      3. Hi Richard, It is so wonderful to see you here and thank you for your kind comments. I am so glad that you related to and liked those poems. Also I am grateful you had a place to hide as well, to get away at times that were the scariest.

        Your questions are very good ones Richard. I will answer them with complete honesty.

        First, I never have thanked God for my abuse as a child, because I don’t think any child should be beaten, as I was or sexually molested by two members of my extended family. I was only six the first time I was sexually molested by an uncle. This was largely due to the lack of supervision and care that we children were given. No I don’t thank God for putting me with two alcoholic parents who were abusive and my mother was very sexually abusive with my little sister. So no I don’t.

        However, what I have done is realize these facts, or it is at least what I hold to be my truth within my belief system is this: That God has a plan and we all have hardships in our lives and some people grow stronger (I call myself a warrior), due to what I endured and survived as a child. Everyone does not survive and that is a tragic. What I try to do is thank God for the hardships I live daily including my chronic neck pain which is very difficult, yet I work hard to try and be faithful. As God told Paul that His Grace was sufficient when Paul asked for God to take the thorn from him. It isn’t easy some days when I want to write or read and it hurts to do both. Yet I ask for his help to be grateful for these thorns I bear every day. I believe that my faith in God which started when I was about four years old, my constant prayers and love for God, pleased Him and that is why I feel like I have been so blessed in my life. I miss my parents and would love to have some time to talk with them, only, provided they were sober.

        I hope that this answers your questions. and that we can be friends and feel differently about the abuse issue.

        I know what an extremely busy man you are and I appreciate your taking time to read some of my work. Thank you for your visit to my site and your comments and questions as well. I am sending you love, hope and prayers always. Hugs, Joni

  1. This poem was so powerful, you are a true warrior Joni. You are kind & generous & so forgiving. Bless your heart. xoxo

    1. Thank you sweet friend. I am glad you read it and thanks for your comment. It is important for ACOAs to remember and share to show other survivors they can have a wonderful and blessed life with God’s love. Love you bunches Janette. 💕❤️😘

  2. Oh Wowza, Joni–you write with such power from a strong warioress’ heart. One of the multitude of things I LOVE about God, is that we ARE permitted to yell at Him. A number of years ago I was so frustrated, powerless, alone, in pain–I yelled and cried until, like a toddler, I wore myself out. And I heard Him so clearly, say, “I don’t care what you say, or the tone you use–as long as you keep communicating with Me. Don’t run away and hide, suffering silently. I’m here, I’ll never leave you–I hear you, I love you, and I’m working on the solution.” I think that was the day I hollered, like a 13-yr-old, “are You on a coffee break?? Are You on vacation somewhere tropical??” It seems so funny, now that I’m a little more mature…most days 🙂 Love you, Joni–have a blessed weekend (yes, I’m starting early–celebrating the victory over “Egyptian” ants 🙂 )

    1. What a blessed experience you had although so sorry for your pain. He is always with us and your right we can yell at God as long as we believe. Sounds like an amazing faith experience you had Rhen. I am so glad your ants are gone at last. Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience Rhen. I truly appreciate your sweet honesty. Love you sis. Hugs to you and have a glorious weekend. ❤️❤️

      1. Thank you for allowing me to share my genuine faith experience(s)–it’s difficult to NOT share, when we’re talking about the One we love. If anyone had told me 20 years ago that some day I’d be an authentic woman of God, I’d have snorted–because, although technically saved since age 14, I spent all but the past 9 years believing I’d be lucky to get a small basement closet in Heaven’s mansion. I felt totally unworthy–of anything, anyone’s love, all my life. And I’m certainly not boasting in myself today; but I do boast in the Grace of God, our Savior, Jesus–for it’s His shed blood alone which makes us worthy. Ooops, sounds like I’ve gone to preachin’ here on your blog, sorry! 😉 Much, much LOVE to you, dear Sister!!💕

  3. Joni, this is such a powerful piece. Written by an unbelievable talent.

    “Besieged with bitter wrath my spirit hovers over this field of plenty
    Screaming against the wind at God to lift me with His Mighty Hand
    I wait, I wait for nothing, screams meld with thunder and harsh gusts”

    WOW. Very strong.
    Have a beautiful day ahead. I hope everything is ok, hon.

    1. Oh yes I am delightfully blessed and happy. The ACOA post(s) I do are relating true accounts of my childhood. I don’t live in the past but I worked hard to get over my abusive childhood. People that are still suffering from the abuse they went through while growing up with alcoholic parents need to know there is a way toward happiness. The incident I wrote about happened when I was seven. Thank you for asking sweetie. God has blessed me in every aspect of my life. You have an amazing day. Love you 😘

  4. Joni, as I read this poem I felt its impact on my heart. Very powerful, and beautifully written…an image of terror, despair and heartbreak but not of emptiness as the presence of God is there as comfort…you are an incredible person with a loving and caring heart, pure and generous and possessing an enormous talent.
    Hope you’ve a blessed weekend Joni,
    lots of peace and happiness, and like John Lennon said, “all you need is love”
    Love from Spain to those southern American skies of your home,

  5. Riveting, Joni. You recreate that moment and the voice of that frightened child w/ great power. How many of us — abused as children — cried out to God for rescue? His glory shines through you. Have a blessed week! Love, A. <3 <3 <3

    1. Oh thank you Anna. What a gracious thing to say, it truly means the world to me. I appreciate your words so much. Thank you for your kind support and you have a blessed week as well. Love Joni 💕❤️🤗

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