Hindsight
All my childhood memories flooded my lungs like murky waters from a broken dam, making it difficult to breathe. I loved my dad and couldn’t ignore his earnest pleas to bring his granddaughter home. My mom’s visit when Christina was born was both a blessing and a curse. Still, I had made my choice, and I truly believed nothing bad would happen. Just ten weeks ago, I walked into the living room and found my mom rocking two-day-old Christina, with a lit cigarette no more than an inch from her eye. My shocked reaction had ruined her visit, and she deemed me an unfit host.
My mom did not drink during her visit. Yet her edginess was like a wave’s crest that clung to the surf like a mountain climber about to fall without a cam.
Christina’s soft weeping caused the front of my finest dress to boldly display identical wreaths. It seemed that even the most expensive nursing bra could not camouflage a stream of milk when a mother hears the cries of her child. Knowing what I had to do, I lifted her gently from the bulkhead bassinet as the plane continued its flight.
“Sweetie, what is wrong?” I whispered, trying to sound calm, as I picked her up. Her dress, diaper, and quilt were oozing in runny stool.
As I moved to the back of the plane with a spare dress and wipes, I had to throw everything away. I had never been so scared in my life. Being on a plane for the first time with the most valued and irreplaceable gift of my life was terrifying. I felt panic as if thorns were creeping up my burning face – uncomfortable, prickly, and impossible to ignore.
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I have often believed that many people who were blessed to live in a supportive, healthy family may not believe what I write. Please know this: making yourself vulnerable by sharing the shame, fear, and degradation in which I lived my life, starting at age five until I was twenty, leaves many scars. It is my gift to share with you, as there is hope and help for dealing with this pain. My prayer is that those who are suffering from family dysfunction read some of my words, and they may help them to feel validated.
You are not alone. Thousands and thousands of children are abused daily in horrific ways. They grew up with access to resources I did not have until I read Dr. Claudia Black’s first book, “It Will Never Happen To Me” (the first edition sold more than two million copies). I believe that it was by the Grace of God and Dr. Black’s book that I was saved from repeating the same life I lived with is often the case. Her book led me to seek help at an early age. I have led a productive and successful career and raised a loving and talented daughter.
Thank you sincerely, Dr. Claudia Black, for your loving attention and care to the science of Family Dysfunction. You can read about Dr. Black, her Treatment Facilities in Arizona, educating other doctors in her field around the world, and her many best-selling books here.
What a harrowing, surreal nightmare this trip must have been for you, Joni. And I believe every word of it. My dad was a dry drunk and the only thing predictable about him was his unpredictability. We always has to keep our heads on a swivel as kids. Such people are prone to doing insane things and have hair-trigger tempers. And these people don’t stop their craziness when their children become adults. Dysfunctional families experience horrible things regularly that normal folks would never dream about. But we know… We know how it can be, the fear and danger, the steady undertone of malice running beneath fake smiles… Your instinct to protect your child was so powerful and so admirable. And the fact that you broke the cycle, thanks to Dr. Black’s book and God’s grace and protection, shows that we can overcome the worst nightmares as children and become beautiful, compassionate and empathetic adults. This story was a gut-punch, Joni. I’m so glad you and your daughter made it through that trip safely.
Always love to read your work, my dear friend. People need to know what it’s like in a dysfunctional family so they can prevent falling into that same dysfunction in their own lives and relationships. You’re a courageous warrior, and the best writer I know. Thank you for sharing this memory with us.
Mike, this means so much to me. I can’t tell you that reading your words are reassuring that at least some people do understand and believe. As usual I think it is sad that sometimes we feel like we have to validate our feelings even today – shows how much education still needs to be attained. Why would Dr. Claudia Black endore my book if she didn’t believe me. I am sure she has heard worse. I was blessed because she was so kind but she did say that this was not something she can usually do because imagine how people would be bugging her. I will always be grateful to her and never expected to hear back from the form letter but I think it shows that she understood what I had gone through as she has worked and continues to work with people at the treatment facility. God kissed me on the cheek that day, she must have read my book in two days.
It is strange you know, people don’t know what people are capable of. Once when I answered the Dial Help line where I was working and I was in charge of other things not that but no one was answering the phone. I had not been trained on the phone and I was doing court papers where I worked. So I picked up the phone and a woman whose voice was quivering said I need to ask you something. I said sure but I was concerned because I could hear what sounded like a young girl screaming in the background. Then she asked me if I thought that her husband would leave their daughter alone – not fondle and touch her anymore if he could penetrate her just this one time. Well needless to say, I went nuts on the phone and asked her if she was crazy and told her to get her daughter out of the room. Then I tried to get her name and told her to come in. I had to tell the big boss how badly I had screwed up but she just said well maybe she will come in as you never know. She did come in and brought the whole family. They then started all getting help. I never answered that line again.
Thank you Mike for being such a wonderfully supportive person, it means more than you can imagine. I know it was hard to read but I am so glad you read it because I new that you would understand the word and meaning of “Dry Drunk.” The biggest hugs and lots of love, Joni