Poem by Joni Caggiano on September 18, 2021 – Photograph by Lucas Pezeta (pexels)

counting, counting
doing daily safety checks
exhaustion visiting eyes of seven
God ignoring pleas to go to heaven

tiptoeing, tiptoeing
ever aware of sleeping beast
glass floors cracking under toes
while nervous fingers are picking nose

67 thoughts on “compulsive

    1. Hello friend. I know it is heartbreaking to see any child crying. Thank you for your kindness and for your support. Hope you have a truly blessed day. Sending love to you and your family. ❤️🤗🦋 hugs, Joni

      1. Thank you Dear Joni
        That photo just made my heart hurt.
        I have recently written on the demise of a beautiful young woman
        I just always wanted a daughter…..
        I am a hopeless romantic I guess.

      2. You and me both my friend. I have a daughter and they are a blessing and a handful growing up. Their hearts get broken. You take care and have an amazing week. Hugs ❤️🤗🦋

      3. I have not a family, but if I did, I’d pass on your good wishes.
        God bless you Joni.
        And you know I am an atheist, but I can still hope your god blesses you.

      4. Oh I guess that is why one should never make assumptions. I did assume that you you had some extended family out there somewhere. I have friends that are like family, two women. We all have our right to believe whatever we wish. I respect that. I hope you don’t mind if I pray for you though. I pray for all my friends on WordPress. God blesses me everyday my friend. Hopefully you have made some great friends on WordPress. I love this community and even though I have three living siblings due to the pain and abuse we suffered as children they have chosen not to be around me. This use to break my heart but I understand and respect it is too painful for them. So this community is like my extended family. Sending big hugs my friend, stay safe and thank you for your support. Love ❤️ Joni

    1. Thank you Francisco so much. I appreciate your support always. Sending my love to you both. So glad to see that you have increased your gorgeous blue collection. That is my name anyway as the colors you are using along with so much symbolism is gorgeous. Turkey certainly agrees with you. You two enjoy your evening. Love ❤️ Joni

      1. You are welcome. No wonder you are so inspired there, how wonderful as a painter, photographer, musician and poet you have all that inspiration surrounding you. Love ❤️ Joni

    1. Brad thank you so much for this very kind comment. Given your amazing gift as a writer it is truly appreciated. Someone I love and respect told me recently that I should write more about my experiences and write more for just me. I will be doing more of that. So thank you sincerely from my heart. Sending you much love and warm hugs. ❤️🤗❤️Joni

    1. Thank you Tim for reading and your comment it means a lot to me as does your gracious support. Sending you both and all the critters my love. Hugs 🤗 too. ❤️Joni

  1. Joni,
    No worries.
    I had a b’lov’d step-sister, Madelyn.
    She died this year.
    I kind of lost my mind over her untimely death.
    And went nuts trying to write of how much I loved her.
    Please read of her when ever you have time.
    I respect people of faith, but I just do not roll that way.
    But, I respect all people.
    And that is sincere.

    here is Maddy…. if you have time.

    Thank you for your very kind and generous words.
    I never discount sincere kindness


    1. I am so very sorry for your loss. I will read your piece right now. My husband is attending his mother’s memorial virtually today.
      I will read of Maddy I love that name. Again, I am truly sorry. Sending you love and hugs. Stay safe my friend. Hugs 🤗 Joni

    1. I know what you mean Tim. There were four girls in our family. Hopefully awareness helps young adults know they are not alone. That is my goal. Love ❤️ Joni (Your tender hearted.)

    1. Thank you dear Brenda. Have you written your next story of growing up as I enjoyed your story so much. You tell an amazing story Brenda and I feel you are quite a talented writer, also how is your book going? Love ❤️ you Joni

  2. Such a heart wrenching poem, portraying such deep emotions. I’m so sorry for the pain expressed so clearly in this poem. Sending hugs and lots of love your way🤗❤️

    1. Thank you kind Henrietta. I do appreciate you so much. I have forgiven my parents. I started this blog initially to educate and write about my very crazy and abusive parents. I know I will see them again and they will no longer struggle with addiction. I look forward to seeing them again. I miss them but not the drunken abuse. They loved us deeply as best they could. Thank you for your love and hugs dear sweet Henrietta. I have so many blessings in my life. I broke that cycle and my daughter didn’t have to grow up that way. Sending hugs and love back. ❤️🤗🦋😘

  3. Working on the book when I can. I pretty much know where I want to go with it, but it is getting my butt in the chair and typing. We have our grandchild here visiting for a few weeks, so my attention is averted a little. We played Cribbage with our Son and Grandchild and it was a fun evening.

    1. Oh I am so grateful for that. I get stuck too. It will pass. I know the book will be great because your story with such great details blew me away seriously. Love you Brenda ❤️🤗🦋💕

  4. Oh Joni…such power in this one..The poem, even without the picture, hints and whispers about dark deeds, fears and traumas for a young innocent soul. With the picture included (oh so powerful too) I feel this is coming straight from her, with her limited language and understanding…for bad things that she is experiencing.. It gave me shivers! I wanted to immediately rescue her.🤗❣️🦋

    1. So nice to hear from you my wonderful friend. Karima hope you are doing ok, you have certainly been on my mind.

      Thank you for reading and the very intuitive comment. Back then they didn’t have people to rescue you. It is sweet of you to read my post. Sending love and prayers to you dear friend. 🤗❤️😘🥰

  5. Thank you my dear friend…I am doing better..slipping into acceptance, believing she is better off, remembering wonderful highlights…It’s a process…as I am sure you and downs, but at the moment , I am in a leveling off place..Big Hugss..thank you for asking❤️🙏

    1. You are so welcome. I am glad to hear it Karima. It is a process and I am glad you are taking your time.
      Bless your heart I am sorry you are going through this. You have a tender heart my friend. Take care of it. Sending you my love and prayers. ❤️🤗🦋🙏🙏

  6. It’s a lonely existence for many in their crucial, growing years. Even open ears, minds, and hearts aren’t enough. Sometimes there’s just nothing that can satiate the pain and fears.
    Lovely and so well written. Few words but deep meaning. Thanks Joni. 🙂

    1. Hi Terveen, thank you so much for reading and your very kind words. Thank goodness there are great books for Adult Children of Alcoholics to read and counselors that specialize in helping to break that unhealthy cycle. I really appreciate your kindness.
      Have an amazing week. Hugs 🤗 Joni

  7. Another heartwrenching post, Joni. Computer difficulties for some reason prevent me from “liking” it. I hope things are good w/ you, and that your recovery is progressing well. Sending you much love, dear friend, A. <3 <3 <3

    1. Thank you very much for your kind comment my friend. I am much better and the pain is too.
      Dear Anna would you mind going to my troubleshooting tips post and explain what happens when you try to like my post. I have suspected for some time that this is happening to a few people. I have had difficulty liking other people’s post as well. It is not unusual for me to have 90 recent visits and 25 likes for example. Sending you much love my dear friend. Love you Joni

    1. Thank you Button for reading and your very kind comment. It means so very much. I am sending you my love, hugs, and prayers always. Have an amazing week. Love Honeybun ❤️🤗🦋💕

  8. Wow. Wow. Wow, Joni. So few words yet so much emotion. I wish I didn’t relate, but I too was about 7 years old and I remember clearly wishing I could die, it would have been so much easier. Thank goodness we survived and we are stronger now because of it. I love you, sister warrior! 🥰💕🙏

    1. Oh my gosh I wish you couldn’t relate either my warrior sister. I am sorry you too were abused. This is why I am writing more about my childhood not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me or people like you who actually made it, so grateful you did too, but to connect. God bless you for sharing. If someone who feels alone or are currently still being abused it is not as easy to get away when your are a child. We made it but think of all the people who did not. Some one I love and respect dearly, told me to use my space to write from my heart “my words, my way,” and I intend to do more of this kind of sharing. I love you too Tiffany and we know what it took to survive and we did it and are healthy, happy and talented artist too. Yea!!!!!!! I celebrate you my friend. Thank you for sharing. You rock sweetheart. Sending big hugs and lots of love. ❤️🤗🦋💕👩‍🎨🎨🖌👨‍🎨

  9. Joni,
    I’m assuming this is you in the picture and I just want to reach in and grab you and steal you away and shelter you. What an adorable precious child so innocent and kind and it’s heartbreaking to know you endured this and how many others do. Your words are palpable my friend. So well done my dear friend that’s closer in my heart than far 💖💖❣️❣️

    1. Thank you so much Cindy that is very thoughtful of you. No I always credit the photographers and also saw photo by Joni. I use a lot of my own photos so I can certainly see where you thought that. We were never seen in public crying and in really abusive homes the children look perfect as a family can make them look. We were eventually very isolated which is also common. Love you sweet friend and appreciate your kindness. I am who I am today because of my experiences. I broke that abuse cycle and my daughter is successful and happy and a great parent. Sending you tons of love dear friend. Love ❤️ Joni

  10. Always love reading you, dearest Joni. Was so pleased to see and read this lovely poem, before nodding off to sleep. 😴 Much love to you. ❤️🥰

    1. Thank you dear Jeff. I appreciate your sweet comment. I am a multilayered woman. I occasionally write ACOAS poetry. Thanks again my friend. Have a blessed Thursday. Love, and hugs coming your way. ❤️🤗🦋💕

      1. You’re most welcome, dear Joni. Always. Indeed, and agreed. We are all lucky for your multilayering.🥰 Thank you for the love and hugs. Have a lovely evening. xoxoxo

      2. What a sweet thing to say Jeff, thank you so much. Sending a trail of blue butterflies following a line of lightening bugs that also sing songs as you go to sleep and when you awake you will be in a beautiful blue world, but only in your dreams. xoxoxxo Joni

      3. Oh my, dear Joni. That is so touching and meaningful to me. Wow. I’m in awe of the love you express. Is so beautiful. I’m so grateful for you. Blessings and love to you. xoxoxo

  11. Powerful poem about your childhood Joni & I am sorry if some did not understand the picture that went with this piece. It was fitting to what you were sharing, which is sadness & despair & trying to cope with your young little precious life enduring the abuse & uncertainty. I remember you sharing this with me, & I just have to say, you are an amazing woman & human being & I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of your life. I love you

    1. Hi dearest Janette thank you so much. So strange got up early and was just praying for you and your family. Then I see this. You will still be safely in Mark’s arms when I am reading this. I hope you are feeling better. I like to think of you safely there with your husband. I miss you. Thank you as always for your kind words. I feel the same about you Janette. I too feel so blessed that we met and became such wonderful friends. I love you too. 🤗❤️💕Let’s talk once you get settled in. 🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️

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