Tied up, beat up, washcloth stuffed into her bruised mouth
Two legs and two arms tied to bedposts in a messy fashion
Muffled screams came from their room quite a frightful sight
How was I to tell my mom a normal, love you, and good night
Why didn’t he just shut the door and save me from this view
Just a little girl with over permed hair who cried too much
Couldn’t help her, didn’t dare, for what would become of me
Not the first time for her and by morning I knew she’d be free
Eyes black next day and red specks all over her face, poor mom
Making eggs, vomiting in the sink, blood mixing with porcelain
Couldn’t look her in the eye and I dared not think to speak a word
I fell last night, hit my head, those were the words she slurred
Off to school with frilly dress and pink ribbons in my curly hair
Third grade was hard; I wondered what awaited for me there
Healthy, typical, yes that is the way I looked on the inside out
But normal wasn’t even close to what my family was all about
By Joni Caggiano 1/9/20
Our base house growing up was a metaphor for our family. On the outside, everything looked perfect, but on the inside, chaos ruled. My blog began as an Adult Child of Alcoholic (ACOA) site. There are so many things I love to write about, including all the things that make me happy, so I do. On occasion, I will share a part of my life that is painful. As survivors, we move on and count our blessings, and I have so many. I am grateful to be accepted by this talented group of people and to everyone who visits my blog. This material isn’t easy to read. I believe it can be a helpful venue to validate emotions and experiences for all people going through the cycle of addiction. Thank you all for letting me share a part of myself with you. Love Joni
Joni, your poem is heartbreaking, makes me cry. I grew up in a war zone type of home, my father was violent against my mom and my older siblings. Everytime my parents fought, I didn’t know if we’d survive the night. I’m so sorry you had to go through the trauma that you did, witnessing your mother’s abuse is very traumatizing. The wounds are psychological, they affect so many things. I’m glad you survived and are sharing your story. It helps survivors especially to know they’re not alone. ❤️
Oh Judy thank you for your kindnesses. I am sorry for your sorrows as well. We are both warriors for having survived. I hope you will continue your blog. I think it helps to know how others endured. Mine was by faith. We can support one another. There are millions of us out there and we are all special and we matter. I do love ❤️ you and care about your pain. You will be in my prayers tonight. Thank you again for your kindness and compassion and sharing your own story. Love 💕 J
You’re welcome, Joni❤️, I have been through trauma but mostly indirectly as a witness. My mom and siblings had it very bad, I felt guilty that I didn’t suffer as much as they did. I saw a story about 5 young children who rescued their mom from being murdered by their father. It was an amazing story, I’m going to post it on my blog soon. I’m glad we survived and can help other survivors too. Thanks for sending good wishes my way❤️
Judy thank you so much for this kind and heartfelt response. I don’t know how I missed it. You and I have a lot in common. We have compassion and great empathy for those who have suffered like us. You are brave, strong and a fellow warrior and you are so right that by sharing we help others. Love 💕 you my dear fellow sister. Joni
Judy, you are so true, the wounds are psychological and they leave a great impact on all of us who had to go through such circumstances in our life and that to in such an early age. I hope that you are doing fine now.
Joni, my heart goes out for you. I can only imagine what you must have felt during all those years pretending that everything is fine when it is far from it. I am really glad that you are able to share your experience, it takes courage!
Stay happy and blessed. ❤❤
Hello Dear Bulbul you are so right. It was difficult and so was my journey but I am blessed in my life now. I can’t imagine growing up normally but I also can’t imagine the trials that sweet Judy faced either. We all have our challenges in life and hopefully they make us stronger in the end. Thank you for your comment. Love you and you stay blessed too. Joni ❤️ 💕
Indeed, we all have our journey and all we can do is to support eah other as we are in this together and no one is getting out alive anyway.
Cheers:)
You have been tremendously supportive to me and my blog Bulbul and I appreciate you and all that you have shared as well. Hugs 🤗 love ❤️ J
Thank you A. S. for your kind comment. I have a good life now and even my parents have found peace with each other, but the memories are still triggered when I see a films or read true stories about abuse and trauma. It’s good to connect with survivors❤️, so glad we’re alive and safe. Blessings to you too❣️
I know exactly what you mean! I kind of have the same experiences.
More power to us ! 🖤😊
Cheers 🙂
Oh dear Joni, my heart bleeds with these words. So so sorry you had to be in that circumstance.
Hopefully writing helps you to heal.
Lots of love and hugs, your friend Pene.
Thanks my friend Pene. I appreciate your thoughtful compassion. You are right it does help to share. Thanks again love ❤️ you Joni.
My heart goes out to you and everyone who is or has been faced with this type of home situation. I never cease to be appalled at what pain can be perpetrated by one human on another. Very brave to share. All the best. Allan
Thank you Allan for reading and commenting. I know this stuff is hard to read but life is not all roses and there are around 3 million children at any given time going through this kind of situation, hence the need to write about it. I appreciate your compassion very much. I have a blessed life and am a happy adult but it took many adult years to work through to the other side. Thanks again and have an amazing weekend. Love ❤️ Joni
I have this deep urge to apologize to the child in you, to hug her close and tell her something I dont know to say. Comfort doesn’t come easy. Tears do. And I can only wish you healing and am certain you are great more blest for the suffering. I’m sure you are the more compassionate, and caring. 💝
Thank you for your very kind words. I am grateful for your comment. I am who I am today because of my childhood. I am very caring and have great intuition as well as compassion for others. I am blessed and I sought therapy and read lots of books. I am grateful there are groups and people to help children like I was now. Love 💕 Joni
Biggest hugs to just know someone like you! 💝
You are so kind. Thank you my friend. I have been so touched by people’s likes and comments on this post. It is hard stuff to read but if I can help even one person feel less alone than it is my blessing to share about my life. God truly was my Savior as I talked to him constantly especially when I was very little. There are still helpless children out there living in chaos. I pray that they find groups, therapist and others to support and share their survival with and secure that validation. Blessings and hugs. Love 💕 Joni
Yes Joni, and you are an angel to care that deep. The Lord has truly blest you to bless. Thankyou for every word you’ve shared, and for your heart of gold.
Thank you my friend. Have an amazing weekend. Love 💕 Joni
How sad you had to endure this at any age. Behind closed doors what goes on is the real life. Writing about this trauma in your life does help with the healing even printing off and burning it helps to release it. Take care much love and blessings
Thank you so much for your compassionate and kind words. Writing does help and I have been writing since I was a young girl. Therapy and lots of self help books helped too. Thanks so much for your comment. Love 💕 Joni
My pleasure, take care LUVnHUGS
How sad you had to endure this at any age. Behind closed doors what goes on is the real life. Writing about this trauma in your life does help with the healing even printing off and burning it helps to release it. Take care much love and blessings
Beautiful and tragic, yet here you are, on the other side, bearing fruit for others – I’m reminded of something our pastor said recently: Mountaintop experiences are great, but fruit only grows in the valley. Everything in your life happened to lead you to this place, where you are today – hopefully your happiness today is worth the horrible experiences you endured. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful poem
Thank you for your lovely comment. You are right I was blessed in that I survived. I was fortunate in that God was always with me as a very young child and as a teenager. The Lord is who I called to and counted on to keep me alive. It has been a lot of work and you are never completely over it but hopefully it has made me a more caring person. I certainly love the Lord My God today and give him all the credit for my survival. Love 💕 Joni. Sounds like you have a wise Pastor.
Your sharing is helping so many & is another type of therapy for yourself. You have a special gift of words that no one could take from you as a child, it was yours to keep & now you share it with others. That makes you a remarkable human being. You are blessed with your ability to forgive & to live your life now in happiness & contentment. You have achieved a great accomplishment.
Love you much
Thank you my friend for your friendship, encouragement and kind words. I will always be grateful for your kindness and support. Your sweet words mean so much. Hope you have a blessed weekend. Love you Janette. Joni
Horrible.
It is shocking to know about the circumstances and violence you had to face in your life.
I hope you get the strength and the willpower to rectify the situation and lead yourself to a better life. Your struggle and the attitude of never to give up is an inspiration..
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It was kind of you to take the time to read my poem and share your thoughts. I was very blessed to have such a strong faith from a very early age. It took years of therapy and also reading self-help books to get better as I grew older. I do consider myself to be an extra compassionate person who is strong and is a bit of a warrior for surviving. I feel like the cycle was broken with the help I received but I give God all the Glory, praise and thanks for my happy life with my second husband and daughter who is very successful and lives in many ways a story book life. Without God’s support and keeping me safe I don’t think I would have survived my childhood. Have a blessed week. Love 💕 Joni
I am glad that you have developed the Warrior Instincts and have successfully fought your way out of misery to happiness.. ☺️
Happy for your new life.. Best wishes to you for your future..!!
Hope that you continue to remain a source of inspiration for women and men alike..!! ☺️🤗
Take Care and Have a great time ahead.. 🙂
Thank you so much. You are very kind. I too am very thankful. I am enjoying your site Abirbhav very much. It certainly is educational and interesting. Many well wishes to you as well. Love and blessings Joni
You are most Welcome Madam..!! ☺️
More power to you..!!
Thank you for stopping by my blog and checking it.. Would love if you could tell your feedback or comments about the same.. 🙂
Thank you once again..!! Keep inspiring..!!
Best Wishes.. ☺️🤗
Happy Monday, Sister! I had to check and see if I’d Follow’d your blog…I thought I had, but today I clicked again to make sure. Reading this post broke my heart–your writing is exquisitely beautiful, even in telling the worst of true tales. I’m so glad that God not only “called you”, but scooped you up in His loving arms to bring your through the fire and deep waters. It is a gift to write, and to share the hard stuff–to help others feel less alone, and to bring our Lord glory. Sending you virtual hugs full of love and joy today. (And hoping I’ll now get your posts through the Reader!) 🙂 <3
Your words are such a blessing and truly are humbling because it means I am connecting to someone who understands and perhaps helps. That blesses me tremendously. Thank you sweet sister. Love you sister and thank you again for all your kind complements. Lots of hugs 🤗 to you also Rhen. Joni
Sadly, there are so many of us “out there” who had painfully miserable childhoods. But for Jesus, I wouldn’t be here today <3
Same here or it seems God had too many direct interventions in many a drunken car situations that it had to be His Divine Will that changed my fate. We can rejoice in the fact that he spared us. I know for me I still struggle at times but I have so much to be thankful for so I focus on that. I am glad you are here as well my friend. May God continue to bless you. Love you Joni
Yes indeed–I’m so grateful for His many, and continued, interventions. He’s a Good Father who keep His eye on us sparrows! 🙂 <3
One again, you brought tears to my eyes, dear friend. It breaks my heart all that you had to endure. “As survivors, we move on and count our blessings…” That is so true. I thank God that He somehow carried us both through. May He continue to watch over you and yours. <3
Me too my dear friend. We are very blessed. I feel certain I would not have survived without knowing God was with me. Thank you for reading my friend. Love you Anna 💕❤️🤗J
Love you, too, Joni. <3 <3 <3