Lost for wise and fair words as I struggle sadly trying hard to understand,
This five-foot-four, striking, but mostly drunk this lonely military man.
Before his sixteenth birthday, he took off to the horrid deadly Korean war,
Crippled was this young soldier inside and out as the memories still tore.
Dad, would pick up the dead and make ice-cream at night for the men,
A hardened shell he was, the war now over, when they casually did send,
Him back home, and for this once little girl, the outcome would be grim.
I never knew my father except when drunk, he would yell and often talk,
He beat me, tied up mom, and slept outside when he could no longer walk.
Calling to me one day while I played in the woods he shot his gun at me,
Afraid for my life to a neighbor’s barn shaking and afraid I did quickly flee.
The monster lived inside of him daily rotting away all that was the good,
But it could not stop my love for this man whom in uniform once stood,
In another life, I dream, this man I love would be the father that he should.
As he lay in a coma, a tender kiss I put on his head as I whispered to him,
I love you daddy, and forgive you, for the beautiful life that could have been.
Although I never got to know my father the way I would have liked to, I loved him nonetheless. He did join the Army before he was sixteen. War is a horrible thing, and he saw things no one that young should ever have to hold on too. His alcoholism made my life frightening, and my childhood a nightmare. He suffered from panic attacks and became agoraphobic, which I must push myself daily to avoid. His alcoholism would allow him to go places and do things he otherwise might never have done. I am proud of the service of more than twenty years my father gave to our Country. Even though my father rarely spoke to me, I know he would have given up his life to save mine or the life of his granddaughter! Rest in peace my father, my hero, and a man that did believe in God. I will see you again in Heaven.
JKC 7/22
I didn’t have a military father nor did I serve. I can’t imagine life after going through something like your father did, especially when the likely advice from would-be therapists would be to “grin and bear it”, “suck it up” or “move on”. It’s no wonder he drank!
Beautifully expressed – thanks for sharing!
Heartbreaking and beautiful.
Jess thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I feel bad, I usually don’t get comments so forgive me for taking so long to see this. Your comment means a lot to me because of the relatability I find in almost everything you write and how it moves me. I was also out of town so again thank you not only for being so sweet to comment but for always posting your beautiful work which deeply touches me. Love Joni
Thank you for reading and commenting. I always appreciate a comment and having others share.
You have freed yourself by forgiving…I praise God for giving you strength to endure and wisdom to understand. May your honest sharing be a comfort to others Joni. <3
Thank you so much my friend. I know I will see both my parents in heaven. They were just very sick. They taught me about God and his Son, Jesus. Love Ya Joni
War is no place for any descent person. It destroys the minds of many. They hold within them the pain of what the saw and endured. My father rarely spoke of his time in WWII but after his stroke playing with my son’s toy guns he would cry and shout no guns no guns. My Son’s friend about 20 yrs old in the British Arm had a second tour in Iraq when he came back he had to see a military psychiatrist due to the things he saw and was expected to do, it was destroying his mind. I can understand how your father suffered and how his pain went into his family life. Bless you Joni have a great day.
Thank you so much for your long and thoughtful comment. You are so right war is no place for anyone. That is a sad story about your father, I am sorry that anyone has to face combat. I am certain that my poor fathers experience in the Korean War did damage that could never be repaired. I am sure his fellow soldiers realized he was way too young to be in the service. They probably gave him the duties they did to try and protect him but how could you ever get over clearing the field of bodies after battle. The war in Iraq is so brutal. May God bless this young man and I pray your father is at peace now. I hope you have a blessed weekend. Love you Joni ❤️❤️
Grateful for your comments. Some just cannot take the horrors of war.
A profoundly moving portrait, Joni. You capture precisely the feelings of all abused children. Though we may be tormented by parents who ought to love us, our love for them does not cease. We simply long for what might have been. <3
Oh Anna thank you so much for this comment. That is exactly what I was trying to portray here. I am so glad you read this as I think many people don’t understand how I could write such a thing. Yes, especially when I am feeling tragically sad about the state of my sisters (I am one out of four girls – 3 of which were 13 months apart). Because I was so very close to God he held me in his lap. You and I are such survivors. God bless you and my prayers are still coming forward for your family. Love you bunches Anna 🤗❤️💕🙏🙏
Many who never experienced abuse view the love abuse survivors retain for their abusers as a sign of weakness. It is not that. It is proof that love is stronger than hate. With love, A. <3
Oh Anna that is so true and we don’t have to feel ashamed as we did as children. We can hold our shoulders high and love and forgive. Have a blessed week. Love ❤️ J